A Haiku For Every Girl I’ve Ever Slept With

1. The haiku form is

of an appropriate length

to describe this fuck

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2. When I handcuffed you

It was so insanely hot

I came in my jeans

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3. We used to have sex

So we didn’t have to talk

Now we do neither

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4. We had a threesome

You, me and my depression

Depression fucks hard

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5. I shouted my love

from the rooftops before

almost jumping off

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6. You didn’t like me

But you did like my writing

I guess that’s enough

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7. Entangled, twitching

We came down as cenotaphs

Numb with limbless minds

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8. Tried your fantasy

and pretended to rape you.

It felt a bit forced.

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9. You learned of my pain

and said you’d try to fix me.

That wasn’t your job.

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10. You were very large

But alcohol and codeine

Made you not so large

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11. You liked to be choked,

you stuffed animals for fun.

You were just my type.

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12. Halfway through you sobbed

Said you were touched as a child

I stopped and held you

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13. 13 is bad luck

But three’s a lucky number

14 would agree

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14. It wasn’t awkward

It was just double the fun

That’s arithmitic

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15. Puked everywhere

And then fell into a bush

You still wanted me

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16. Our contrasting skin

Meant some passersby would stare

And we just loved it

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17. You were a model

who found me through my writing

Thankyou, internet

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18. We made a sex tape

I hope I find it before

my family does

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19. I whipped you too hard

Inadvertently drew blood

Quickly apologised

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20. Cars drove by as I

Fingered you at a bus stop

(A romantic date)

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21. It’s strange to think it

But before you miscarried

Was I a father?

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22. We both got naked

online for our followers

in different ways

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23. “You don’t care” you said

So I pretended to cry

And then we had sex

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24. You liked taking charge

and I went along with it

out of laziness

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25. I tried to whip you

Then I hit my testicles

It ruined the mood

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26. It took twenty five

Twenty five misconnections

Before I found you